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Author Topic: A joke a day  (Read 19360 times)
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Caliope
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« on: October 08, 2015, 01:23:34 PM »

Good or bad submit yours...



I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer, I dunno what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

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« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2015, 07:07:30 AM »

Three men die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked: 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?'

The first guy says: 'I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.'
The second guy says: 'I would like to hear that I was a school teacher who made a huge difference.'
The last guy replies: 'I would like to hear them say... "LOOK .. HE'S MOVING!"'
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« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2015, 05:37:17 PM »

I'm no good at jokes.

My big thing's magic.  grin
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« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2015, 11:17:29 PM »

I'm no good at jokes.

My big thing's magic.  grin

Yeah, it just disappears  evilgrin
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« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2015, 11:04:12 AM »

 :raspy
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« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2015, 08:00:56 AM »

I was in Thailand recently and I picked up one of them she-man's. I mean, I thought she was a women at first.

It wasn't until she drove me back to her place and she started backing into the garage that I thought to myself "Hang on a f%$king minute...."
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« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2015, 07:09:15 PM »

 evilgrin
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« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2015, 07:41:22 AM »

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
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« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2015, 10:41:35 AM »

He never did...
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« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2015, 10:45:38 AM »

He never did...

he did  whisper
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« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2015, 07:33:35 AM »

A few quickies....


My lesbian friends got me a really nice Rolex for my birthday, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.


Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?


How fast do hotcakes sell?

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« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2015, 07:31:15 AM »

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all?

If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?
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« Reply #12 on: October 15, 2015, 09:48:16 AM »

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

I've found the opposite to be the case...
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« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2015, 12:27:39 PM »

rugby

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« Reply #14 on: October 19, 2015, 07:26:28 AM »

Ooh.....
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« Reply #15 on: October 19, 2015, 09:40:18 AM »

Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.


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« Reply #16 on: October 19, 2015, 09:42:53 AM »

Here's a good joke, from our ever lovin' Tories...

http://www.hopenothate.org.uk/voter-registration-report
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« Reply #17 on: October 20, 2015, 11:42:40 AM »

What a bunch of clowns, or are they all Labour strongholds?  whisper
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« Reply #18 on: October 20, 2015, 12:03:30 PM »

A few quotes for today.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. (Robert Bloch)

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. (Steve Martin)

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize youre wrong. (Anon)
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« Reply #19 on: October 20, 2015, 06:12:35 PM »

Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A: One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
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« Reply #20 on: October 21, 2015, 07:02:30 AM »

Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A: One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.


 Thumbs up


I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. (Anon)

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. (Anon)
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« Reply #21 on: October 22, 2015, 10:48:19 AM »

and pr0n.
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« Reply #22 on: October 22, 2015, 06:16:22 PM »

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
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« Reply #23 on: October 23, 2015, 07:02:45 AM »

 giggle
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« Reply #24 on: October 23, 2015, 07:04:30 AM »

Did you hear about the kidnapping at a school?

It's OK, he woke up.



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« Reply #25 on: October 23, 2015, 09:45:47 AM »

I was taking a walk along the River the other day when I saw a man fishing and got chatting to him, I asked him.......

"Have you caught anything today?"

"Iv'e caught loads" he said

"Using maggots?" I asked

"No, liquorice."

"Really, what have you caught with that?"

"All sorts.".......
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« Reply #26 on: October 23, 2015, 11:17:29 AM »

It has to be said...

 kiss my ass
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« Reply #27 on: October 23, 2015, 12:26:22 PM »

 :whistle:



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« Reply #28 on: October 24, 2015, 09:46:24 AM »

Flossy said rules
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« Reply #29 on: October 26, 2015, 09:24:54 AM »

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.


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« Reply #30 on: October 27, 2015, 01:32:45 PM »

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started
to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.
Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
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« Reply #31 on: October 27, 2015, 09:28:03 PM »

I like his style...
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« Reply #32 on: October 30, 2015, 10:44:02 AM »

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburettor. Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet as protection from the bitterly cold weather.
"Whats the matter?" asked the Trooper.
"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out.
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you.
The trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
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« Reply #33 on: October 30, 2015, 10:46:10 AM »

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.
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« Reply #34 on: October 30, 2015, 11:47:34 AM »

Ha! I'm glad we don't have to pee like girlies do.
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« Reply #35 on: November 10, 2015, 04:25:32 PM »

After a week of unwellness I'm back...

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
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« Reply #36 on: November 11, 2015, 08:37:38 AM »

Things that make you go  it's a groaner

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.


What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"
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« Reply #37 on: November 11, 2015, 11:04:28 AM »

I just arrived at one of those Swiss assisted suicide places.

It cost me 44,000 and after paying all that money, guess what the bastards gave me for breakfast this morning?















Cheerios!
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« Reply #38 on: November 11, 2015, 01:13:11 PM »

Sheepdog: Here's the 30 sheep you asked for.

Shepherd: I counted, there's only 26.

Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up.
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« Reply #39 on: November 11, 2015, 01:23:36 PM »

 giggle
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« Reply #40 on: November 11, 2015, 07:13:27 PM »

A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the 75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for 65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get the knobhead to reduce it. See you later, dad."
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« Reply #41 on: November 11, 2015, 08:38:57 PM »

 fishslap
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« Reply #42 on: November 12, 2015, 12:25:31 AM »

 evilgrin
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« Reply #43 on: November 12, 2015, 08:42:07 AM »

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
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« Reply #44 on: November 13, 2015, 08:42:40 AM »

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?




Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
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« Reply #45 on: November 13, 2015, 12:23:21 PM »

How to make your wife go "Ewww!".

Ask her "What's green and goes up?".

Then sniff, violently...  evilgrin
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« Reply #46 on: November 17, 2015, 11:18:01 AM »

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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« Reply #47 on: November 18, 2015, 09:23:03 AM »

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they
like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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« Reply #48 on: November 18, 2015, 11:20:03 PM »

They have that superiority complex, too, though...
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« Reply #49 on: November 19, 2015, 08:12:54 AM »

They have that superiority complex, too, though...


I can agree with 'complex'


For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
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« Reply #50 on: November 20, 2015, 10:07:51 AM »

The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.

I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!
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« Reply #51 on: November 21, 2015, 01:23:05 PM »

mmmm.... beer....
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« Reply #52 on: November 23, 2015, 08:08:07 AM »

To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.


There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.
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« Reply #53 on: November 24, 2015, 12:22:57 PM »

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.


A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
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« Reply #54 on: November 25, 2015, 05:14:03 PM »

When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
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« Reply #55 on: November 26, 2015, 11:18:18 AM »

Or have a wife who really does enjoy doing that stuff, yet let's you keep your corner as it is...
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« Reply #56 on: November 26, 2015, 01:45:24 PM »

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing bj ever.... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before
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« Reply #57 on: November 26, 2015, 01:46:12 PM »



A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The
girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter
walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to
her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully,






'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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« Reply #58 on: November 26, 2015, 01:47:19 PM »

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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« Reply #59 on: November 29, 2015, 12:07:29 PM »

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing bj ever.... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before

Must try that...
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« Reply #60 on: November 30, 2015, 10:07:15 AM »

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason


Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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« Reply #61 on: December 01, 2015, 11:05:50 AM »

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
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« Reply #62 on: December 01, 2015, 11:18:58 AM »

Sucker...
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« Reply #63 on: December 02, 2015, 09:03:11 AM »

My favourite mythical creature is the honest politician.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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« Reply #64 on: December 03, 2015, 08:12:58 AM »

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.



I named my hard drive "dat ass," so once a month my computer asks if I want to "back dat ass up."
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« Reply #65 on: December 03, 2015, 10:36:48 AM »

Was reminded yesterday of the old joke about the British dignitary visiting a court in the centre of a Dark Continent. Halfway through the proceedings the Briton noticed a man going around with a small hammer striking all the ladies on their breasts. When he asked the reason for this he was told that it was just following British courtroom tradition - it was often reported that "a titter went round the court"
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« Reply #66 on: December 03, 2015, 11:50:15 AM »

OK, I'll admit it, that was mildly amusing.....
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« Reply #67 on: December 04, 2015, 07:35:32 PM »

As the recession bites I had to wind up my new dating agency for chickens, I was finding it too difficult to make hens meet
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« Reply #68 on: December 06, 2015, 07:55:16 PM »

 :ooops:
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« Reply #69 on: December 10, 2015, 02:45:52 PM »

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
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« Reply #70 on: December 10, 2015, 06:52:04 PM »

 kiss my ass
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« Reply #71 on: December 11, 2015, 08:06:05 AM »

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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« Reply #72 on: December 13, 2015, 11:00:45 PM »

Trigger...
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« Reply #73 on: December 14, 2015, 12:44:17 PM »

Trigger...

 grin


A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
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« Reply #74 on: December 15, 2015, 01:25:03 PM »

I am single by choice, a choice made by those reluctant to date me.
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« Reply #75 on: December 15, 2015, 06:59:14 PM »

I just arrived at one of those Swiss assisted suicide places.

It cost me 44,000 and after paying all that money, guess what the bastards gave me for breakfast this morning?















Cheerios!
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« Reply #76 on: December 16, 2015, 10:16:04 AM »

oi fred, post #37  :ooops:
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« Reply #77 on: December 16, 2015, 06:59:21 PM »

bugga



 giggle
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« Reply #78 on: December 17, 2015, 10:45:27 AM »

What do you call a pretty woman in Essex?

A tourist.
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« Reply #79 on: December 18, 2015, 01:37:08 PM »

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from?
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mummy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go
into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummys vagina. Thats how you get a baby, honey.

The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddys penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

 Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.
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« Reply #80 on: December 20, 2015, 07:04:36 PM »

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

There was de brie everywhere!
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« Reply #81 on: December 21, 2015, 08:04:54 AM »

I'm being out groaned here  duh
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« Reply #82 on: December 31, 2015, 07:37:37 PM »

The jersey I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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« Reply #83 on: January 10, 2016, 01:51:19 PM »

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slid over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...

... and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...

up and up...

below him the ship grew smaller...

on and on...

past a solitary albatross...

and still higher...

till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

and on still further...

till the ocean grew dim...

and the earth itself...

began to shrink...

past our moon...

and on...

and Mars...

and on...

higher, and higher...

through the asteroid belt...

and on and on towards the diving board...

past the outer planets, until...

on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...

he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

and then... he jumped. Slowly at first, but speeding up, faster, and faster, speeding past Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance. hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet. Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool on the deck, did a last triple flip, and landed...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it?"

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see, I'm a just poor tramp so you must understand... I've been through many a hard ship in my life."
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« Reply #84 on: January 13, 2016, 10:18:11 AM »

 :thIgnore:
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« Reply #85 on: January 13, 2016, 10:20:41 AM »

Two blokes were looking at tellies in a shop.

One turns to the other and says "that's the one I'd get" and a passing cyclops smacked him.
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« Reply #86 on: January 27, 2016, 03:02:38 PM »

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

" Eric" the old man moaned.

"Where you from, "Eric" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Eric replied;

"The balcony".......
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« Reply #87 on: January 28, 2016, 04:39:17 PM »

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him 5000 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man 10000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man 20000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.

The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."
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« Reply #88 on: January 28, 2016, 07:03:24 PM »

 kiss my ass
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O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
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« Reply #89 on: February 12, 2016, 12:03:29 PM »

 :whistle:
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fred
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« Reply #90 on: February 19, 2016, 11:55:48 AM »

One blonde to another. "I think my boyfriend dresses well."
The other, "Quickly too."
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O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
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« Reply #91 on: February 23, 2016, 10:17:44 PM »

 :ooops:
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« Reply #92 on: March 04, 2016, 11:02:15 AM »

...... a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence........



then the masochist said: "Meow."
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« Reply #93 on: March 15, 2016, 11:05:42 PM »

 rules
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« Reply #94 on: April 24, 2016, 09:13:50 PM »

What is it Called?

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you right now."
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« Reply #95 on: September 29, 2016, 05:21:50 AM »

 :ooops:
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